bazz: (Default)
Yesterday was the first Father's Day in forever for which I did not have to awkwardly prepare by searching through racks of greeting cards for one that didn't say anything too meaningful or grossly untrue ("I love you," "You're a great Dad," etc.). I never really examined that ritual very closely. Why bother with such a meaningless act or, further, such a meaningless relationship?

I'm surprisingly OK with the fact that I'm no longer speaking to my parents. The worst of it, the couple weeks after I graduated with no mention of it by them, has passed. I did my grieving then. (And that's when I also registered a domain name having to do with Adult Adoption. Not sure what to do with it yet but hopefully something cool.) I do feel sorry for my kid because I had two grandparents who were so loving and kind to me-- and my kid never had that. But then again, I had a couple wonderful grandparents but not even one parent with a  head screwed on right. I guess it's a trade-off.

Overall, separating from my parents has probably been the best decision I have ever made. I feel like I've lost 200 pounds of anxiety and indecision.
bazz: (Default)
I've been trying to release my pent-up rage and I actually have been feeling like it might be gone, or at least lessened considerably. But how do you know for sure that it's not still under there lurking somewhere? I've felt that I've let go of my excessive anger before only to have it re-emerge later, more or less about the same type of situations. We'll see I guess.

I know that Buddha was right about anger not serving me. Being mad at my parents is like getting mad at a couple of old cows. It's completely pointless. They will learn their lessons in their own time. That is not to say that I need to hang around and wait for that to happen.
bazz: (Default)
I dreamed I was grocery shopping with my mother. The significant thing was that she kept complimenting me, which would be highly unusual behavior for her. Then I was talking with a couple in the freezer aisle. The husband didn't look at me straight on, as he was bent over the center freezer section examining frozen food. I noticed it was odd that he wore the same white hat that his wife wore-- kind of a wide-brimmed ladies' sun hat or Sunday dress hat. Then an old lady across the aisle yelled hello to them, then she added something to the effect of "By the way, you're a boy." And I looked at the couple face on and saw the guy was wearing makeup and the same dress as his wife. He was frowning now, and said to his wife, "Do you like it?" and she said "Of course I do," and gave him a kiss.

REAL LIFE:
This dream made me think about how my mother was always so critical of me and never had anything nice to say to me ever. I think she is actually incapable of complimenting me, thus the silence when I graduated. If it weren't for my paternal Grandma, my maternal Grandpa, and all of the wonderful teachers I had, I wouldn't have received any positive feedback at all growing up. I am very thankful that I had those people in my life.

INTERPRETATION (via DreamMoods.com):
To shop for groceries in your dream, represents some emotional of physical need that you are currently lacking in your life. You may be in need of nurturance and some fulfillment.

To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. [Not in my case.] Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.

To dream that you are being complimented, refers to your desire for romance and love.

To see a couple in your dream, symbolize marriage, your parents, or a relationship. Consider what the couple are doing in your dream for additional clues about their significance. It may point to something that is lacking or missing from your life.

To dream that you or someone is cross-dressing, indicates that you need to express and acknowledge your masculine side if you are female or your feminine side if you are male.

[Overall I think this dream is about letting go of anger and cultivating mildness as a Buddhist text has recently reminded me. Instead of being angry I should wish my parents and sister will find healing for their disturbed mind states. I also of course do wish I had a typical mother and crave acceptance and love, like anyone else. But it is best to focus on being accepting and loving myself.]

bazz: (Default)
I didn't get to sleep until kind of late but I slept sooooo sooooo much better than I have in the last month and I feel so rested. (Thank you raw thyroid pills from New Zealand???)

Also I had strange dreams in  that I was aware of what situations the dreams were referring to!!! I've never had that happen before.

I had a long involved dream about being at some camp and having people stealing things out of my locker. Several people helped me find an appropriate lock for the locker. In the dream I knew this was a dream about being transgender.

Somewhere in there I saw a horrible pile of dead animals of different types. I can remember seeing a donkey in there but the rest of the animals weren't clear. I was cleaning up this awful pile but I didn't feel horrified and there wasn't any blood. In the dream I knew this was a dream about my relationship with my parents.

INTERPRETATION (via DreamMoods.com):

To dream that you are camping, refers to your social circle and support group. You are looking for a sense of belonging, but at the same time be self-sufficient and independent. [Spot on!]

To see or use a locker in your dream, signifies aspects of yourself which you have kept hidden inside. [Haha.... my dream self was right, this is SO a trans dream. I want to be more out about being FTM.]

To dream that you are stealing, suggests that you are feeling deprived. The locale of where the stealing takes place is indicative of your neediness. [I need to get back in touch with the trans community. I'm not one of those people cut out to move to the suburbs and pretend to be normal.]

---

To dream that you are cleaning, implies that you are removing some negativity in your life and overcoming major obstacles. [True.]

To see the dead in your dream, forewarns that you are being influenced by negative people and are hanging around the wrong crowd. [True again... I need to move!!]

To see an ass in your dream, signifies a lack of understanding. [So true!] It also suggests that you will come upon many annoyances. [Ugh, no more, please!] The dream may be a metaphor for someone who is being an ass. [LOL]

Additionally, the fact that I was cleaning up dispassionately is significant and reflects the reality. I also think the fact that there was "no blood" is significant on several levels. As in, no blood = no bond, and no blood = without bloodshed.

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Basil Sunshine

July 2010

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